Are you doing what you can to
protect your child from sexual abuse? The standard advice is wrong: Here's what
you need to know.
When I was 11, I kept a terrible
secret from my parents. I feared their reaction if they found out what a
neighbor and family friend had done in his home after turning off the lights
and saying he loved me. Besides, it took me months to figure it out myself.
Even then, I doubt that the term "molestation" had become part of my
vocabulary.
My story wouldn't bear mentioning except that
it continues to be horribly common. Although studies show a small but steady
decline in substantiated child molestations over the past decade, conservative
estimates still place the number of children who are sexually abused each year
at around 200,000. Only about half of cases are reported, experts believe. And
the problem extends into younger age groups than most people realize. In a
national survey of adults molested as children, the median age of first abuse
was 9 years, with one-fourth being violated before age 8 and nearly 15 percent
before age 6.
Scarier still, conventional notions on how to
protect kids is wrong. We rush to teach them about "stranger danger,"
but more than 80 percent of molesters know their victims, according to a study
by the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.
We instruct our children to "Yell and Tell," but such simplistic
advice can backfire when youngsters face the typical offender -- the
outwardly caring teacher, coach, friend, or relative who's worked hard to win
your child's trust -- not to mention yours.
"In no other area do we give children
the responsibility to stop or change the behavior of the adults in their
life," says Elizabeth Ralston, Ph.D., executive director of Dee Norton
Lowcountry Children's Advocacy Center, in Charleston, South Carolina. "The
result is that often, kids who've been molested feel guilty for not having
prevented the abuse and ashamed to tell anyone about what's happened to
them."
Even lessons on "good touch/bad
touch" can backfire because molestation doesn't always start out feeling
"yucky." Nor does it necessarily involve physical contact, as is the
case when adults expose children to sexually explicit pictures, talk, and
behavior, or when they get them to expose themselves for photographs.
You're probably cringing right about now, but
that discomfort is a part of the problem. "It's natural for parents to
cling to the myth of the child molester as the dirty old man in the wrinkled
raincoat," says Anna Salter, Ph.D., author of Predators: Pedophiles,
Rapists, and Other Sex Offenders. "It's disturbing to think that
people we know, or even love, could harm our children."
Your first line of defense, then, is to
minimize the situations in which your child is left alone with an adult you
don't thoroughly know and wholly trust -- even if it's Grandpa.
"This isn't about being paranoid," says Anne Lee, founder of the
national child-protection campaign Darkness to Light and a survivor of sexual
abuse herself. "Just as we're not being paranoid about the risk of an
accident, so we buckle our kids into their car seats or hold their hands
crossing the street, it's not paranoid to eliminate one-on-one situations that
may put them at risk of abuse." These age-specific guidelines can help you
keep your child safe.
Protecting
Infants and Toddlers
It was the grandma who noticed.
While diapering her 14-month-old granddaughter, she felt a roughened area
between the baby's buttocks. The pediatrician said it was too calloused to be
diaper rash and concluded it had been caused by chronic rubbing over a long
period of time. It turned out, says Ralston, that the teenage boy who babysat
the child had been masturbating against her.
Yes, babies get abused. A molester may
masturbate against an infant or toddler, stimulate the child for
self-gratification, or even attempt penetration. Red flags for possible abuse
include abrasions, swelling, and skin tears around the genitals, anus, or
mouth. If you notice such an injury, see your doctor immediately.
Ralston urges parents to screen any adult
they're considering as a regular caregiver for criminal offenses through local
law-enforcement agencies and the FBI. You'll need the person's birth date,
social security number, and a list of the counties and states in which she's
lived.
After you hire someone, make it clear to her
that you're vigilant about your child's safety and then check in unannounced
periodically. "If she complains, find somebody else," says Ralston.
Protecting
preschoolers and grade-schoolers
"See.
You're a dirty little girl. You like it." That's what Anne Lee's
great-uncle told her when he began fondling her during summers at the family's
vacation house. She was 4 years old.
"The tragedy is, I believed him and felt too ashamed to tell my
parents," says Lee, who's now the mom of a 10-year-old daughter. At the
same time, Lee's behavior was a cry for help: "Here we had this wonderful
place on a beautiful crystal lake, and I was begging not to go."
Although there are no numbers available regarding boys, the incidence of
molestation and sexually motivated abductions of girls more than triples by the
time children reach grade school. This isn't surprising, considering that as
kids get older, they're out of their parents' sight more often. To protect them
despite this change:
Reduce accessibility
There's no substitute for direct supervision. "Offenders look for ease of
approach and ease of retreat," says Monique Boudreaux, Ph.D., a consultant
with the Child Abduction and Serial Murder Investigative Resources Center, in
Quantico, Virginia, and a mom of two. So plop down on a lawn chair when your
kids play outside; take the phone along or let the voicemail pick up to avoid
having your attention diverted.
Before your child visits a friend's home, get to know the parents or try to
spend time there. If you're not comfortable, have them play at your house.
At your child's daycare or school, find out if there's an "open-door
policy" -- that is, an open door or unobstructed window should allow
any classroom to be visible from the hallway at all times.
If you've chosen family daycare for your child, make it clear that she should
never be left with anyone other than the primary caregiver without your prior
approval. When babysitters come into your home, establish ground rules as to
who else is allowed in the house while you're away.
Attend your child's practices, lessons, and other extracurricular activities,
or send someone you trust. Relax on the sidelines, but be aware of how coaches
and instructors interact with your child.
Never ignore the protests of a child who expresses reluctance or fear about
spending time with a particular adult, even a relative or close family friend.
Avoid leading questions, but assure your child that he won't get in trouble for
telling you what's going on.
Reduce desirability
Advertising your child's name on the outside of backpacks and other personal
items can draw unwanted attention. "We know that some offenders literally
stalk children to gain information about them," says Boudreaux.
"Knowing your child's name helps them." At the very least, it can
make it easier for a molester to directly gain a child's trust.
In a more literal sense, reducing desirability means not dressing young
children in alluring clothing, accessories, or makeup. Interviews with
convicted child molesters suggest that a provocative appearance plays a
significant role in the selection of victims.
Reduce vulnerability
Although it's important not to lay the responsibility of protecting themselves
solely on the tiny shoulders of preschoolers, they are old enough to learn that
their bodies are their own and that the parts normally covered by underwear or
a swimsuit shouldn't be touched or seen by others, with the exception of a
parent or trusted caregiver at bathtime or a doctor examining them with a
parent or nurse present. They should understand that others should not be
exposing or showing pictures of private parts to them. This sense of
"owning one's body" begins with the child's privilege of saying no
when he doesn't feel like hugging or kissing, even if that person happens to be
Granddad -- or you.
Similarly, don't tell your child to be a good boy (or girl) and do whatever his
sitter (teacher/coach/neighbor) says. Boudreaux teaches her own kids reasonable
and acceptable behavior while letting them know they have the right to politely
but firmly say no if they're told to do something that doesn't seem right. It
can help to playact nonscary scenarios in which your child should "talk
back" to an adult.
Instead of teaching fear of strangers, Boudreaux also instructs her children to
look for "a mommy with kids or a grandma" if they get separated from
her in a store or elsewhere. (Recognizing a store clerk or security guard can
be difficult for little ones.)
Reducing vulnerability means making sure your child feels safe coming to you
about a disturbing or confusing situation or emotion. Tell her, in terms she
can understand, that some adults -- not very many, but some -- try
to touch or otherwise interact with children in inappropriate ways.
Protecting
tweens and up
My daughter's now 11, the age at
which I was molested -- and I've gone through many a heart-clenching
moment when she's been out of my sight. To protect maturing kids without
smothering them:
Continue to get to know your preteen's
friends, and if possible visit their homes.
Encourage supervised activities with kids her
own age, explaining that while relationships with adults and older teens may be
fun and exciting, she may find herself in a vulnerable position that can lead
to abuse. Pay special attention to friendships involving older persons, even a
14-year-old palling around with your 10-year-old.
Kids approaching and passing through puberty
also need help managing their own sexual feelings, setting boundaries with boy-
and girlfriends, and handling peer pressure regarding pornography. Look for
opportunities to talk about these issues and brainstorm ways for your child to
avoid or get out of uncomfortable situations.
Finding a
balance
Protecting kids from molestation
requires being vigilant while giving them freedom to learn about their world,
make friends, and become independent adults. For me, that's meant choosing a
preschool with two teachers in every class; sitting in on music lessons; and
having quite a few frank talks with my daughter about sexuality and
molestation. Not as much fun as chatting about her interest in Shakespeare or
horses, but vital to making sure she never has to experience the kind of shame
and confusion that I did as a child.
Parenting contributing editor Jessica Snyder Sachs is the author of Good Germs, Bad Germs: Health & Survival in a Bacterial World (Hill&Wang/FSG) and Corpse: Nature, Forensics, and the Struggle to Pinpoint Time of Death (Perseus/Basic Books).
